"Consider the lilies of the field, how the grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." read more
I’m sure you may have heard it said that “experience is the best teacher.” I’ve said it plenty of times myself—I genuinely believe it. As painful as it may be at times, I know that going through something yourself is the best way to have a real understanding of another person’s situation, greater knowledge of yourself, or just what the hell God is doing is your life when things make absolutely no sense to you—if you believe in those kinds of things. Not everyone does… I understand.
The reason I’m writing this is because I think I finally understand something that I noticed happening a couple of months ago. I mentioned to my mother that I felt as though I was living in circles. I feel that I’m right back where I was about a year or so ago. Things feel that they’re the same as they were. However, things are also different. Now, there’s opportunity that didn’t exist before. Now, there’s experienced gained that I didn’t have before.
I understand why I am where I am. Now that I’m armed with the experience of yesterday, and have miraculously found my way back where I started, what am I going to do with the knowledge? This is an opportunity to show Him what I’ve learned.
We’re on our way out to sea again. I’m back on the ship. This time though, I’m with family. It’s my cousin that I’m aware of the most. He’s where I was. It’s his first time going out to sea (leaving from the port). As the ship leaves, the rest of my division and I are gathered in the hangar bay enjoying the view as we leave the port of San Diego behind. This is an aircraft carrier by the way—the USS Nimitz to be exact.
I’ve had this dream for several years. Each time I have it, it’s farther along in time. When it started—sometime in 2007 I think—the ship was docked. We were in a PIA period (Planned Incremental Availability) undergoing heavy maintenance, upgrades, etc. I was actually out of the Navy (and had been for a while), but I was still there and working on the ship. I wasn’t being paid though. That awareness has been there in every dream—I wasn’t being paid. There’s another constant: I only have one uniform. It’s a pair of coveralls. This time is no different.
As the ship is leaving, I begin to wish that I could leave to go and get the rest of the uniforms that I should have. I know that I can’t leave the ship though. I don’t want to be left behind. The ship has a store that I can go to and buy a few things (mostly more coveralls and utilities), but it won’t be open until we get further out to sea. The thought fades into the back of my mind as I notice wake of the ship. It reminds me of how my I loved being out to sea.
I used to go out on the stern at the hangar bay level and just watch the trail we’d leave behind. Sometimes, I’d go out during flight ops when I wasn’t working and watch the planes land. They’re landing directly above your head in that area, so the disappear from few just before they hit the flight deck.
My attention is drawn back to the others. Suddenly we’re all in our division’s newly renovated berthing (which was being worked on in earlier dreams). Everyone is getting their things in order and I noticed that my cousin and one of the guys that I was actually on the ship with are messing around and getting rough with each other. They’re both pretty competitive—the “play to win” type. I don’t care for or carry that attitude myself, but I understand it. I still find it annoying though.
Now we’re in Air Operations. The competitiveness has made its way there as well. Because we’re just getting underway and there’s not really anything for us Air Traffic Controllers to do until the Air Wing makes its way out, we take the time to relax and have some fun. My cousin and the other guy are playing Street Fighter IV, one of my favorite games. My cousin is beaten pretty decisively. I’m pretty sure he was playing Ken. He insists that he’s the best character in the game. He (my cousin) wants me to play now, but I shy away from it as much as I love the game because I’m better than both of them and people don’t necessarily care for being steamrolled—but the steamrolling is what’s fun for me.
I’m not sure what it all means. There’s a lot that I didn’t get into because the full story is more than 8 years long. This dream was less worrisome than others because I gave me the feeling of being back in a place where I felt I belonged. To this day I miss that life. I really did want to stay, but I also wanted to follow my heart. In the end, my body didn’t give me much of a choice about where I’d be going. I’d like to believe that there’s a purpose for it all and that there’s someplace new that I belong. I still haven’t found it yet, or maybe He just hasn’t shown me. All things in time though, because time and chance happen to them all.
Stand Navy out to sea,
Fight our battle cry;
We’ll never change our course,
So vicious foe steer shy-y-y-y.
Roll out the TNT,
Sail on to victory
And sink their bones to Davy Jones, hooray!
Anchors Aweigh, my boys,
Farewell to foreign shores,
We sail at break of day-ay-ay-ay.
Through our last night ashore,
Drink to the foam,
Until we meet once more.
Here’s wishing you a happy voyage home.
Blue of the mighty deep:
Gold of God’s great sun.
Let these our colors be
Till all of time be done, done, done, done.
On seven seas we learn
Navy’s stern call:
Faith, courage, service true,
With honor, over honor, over all.
Written a few weeks ago…
I wake up in the morning—most times around 04:45. I have the intention of getting up to work out. Sometimes I linger. Sleep is the heaviest weight to lift. As long as I’m there, the world is somewhere else. I’m free.
I force myself up and out of bed. I have a goal to reach—peace of mind—at least in that respect. I head back and shower. I need to feel relaxed inside and out. I have to lie back down for a while. This is the reason I get up so early—I need more rest.
It’s time to get up—dressed and off to work. I hate commuting. I hate the commute—such a waste of time. I’m grateful to have a place to commute to though. You can’t have everything—not all the time.
I work. I enjoy what I do. I love my job. I know there’s so much more in life though. I can see it. I feel the ache in my heart that pushes me to pursue it… them… Dreams. I never had any growing up. I look back now and see wasted time; missed opportunities. There’s someone who makes the day bearable. I appreciate the company. I enjoy it.
I need to leave. I can’t spend all my time laboring away. I have to have a life of my own; time for myself. I get home and I’m greeted at the door with incessant whining. I’m sorry. I wish I had more time for you too. It’s running short though. I have a goal to reach.
It’s time to prepare things for the next day. Sometimes, I need to work out [again]. I need someone to talk to… There was a brief period when things were different. I wasn’t as lonely. That just like everything else faded away. Back to being lonely. Back to being alone. Back to looking for things to make this life more bearable. Back to trying to believe that the dreams aren’t too far away from becoming reality. Back to the routine…
I ‘m an extremely picky eater. I love videogames and all things related to superheroes. Once I’ve made up my mind about something, that’s it. If you want to change it, you have your work cut out for you. I give too much of myself to those undeserving sometimes. I have doubts and fears that I [continue to] fight. I’m really easily pleased—in most respects. I don’t know anything about cars, but I can change a tire when I need to. I don’t watch TV. I’m a big kid. PlayStation!
I’m honest—perhaps too much so sometimes. I love sex. Sometimes anxiety overpowers me—I feel like I’m always waiting. My heart doesn’t break so easily anymore. It’s pulled back together pretty quickly when it is (now). I want more out of life than it seems that there is. I have dreams that I want to make reality. Unicorns, rainbows, and cotton candy. Positive adjectives—what we’re trained or expected to say about ourselves? I hate the word “guru” and am growing tired of ninjas, zombies, and pirates.
Star Trek > Star Wars, but I like both. Batman ’89. The Dark Knight trilogy is overrated—as was Heath Ledger’s performance. “I am Iron Man.”
I want to collect things from my youth to share with my children [when I have them]. I want them to have every opportunity that I didn’t. I wish there were more hours in the day. My favorite season is winter. I don’t know where I want to be in 5 years—somewhere other than here?
“They” say life is a journey—not a destination. If so, there’s time to figure it all out. The more important thing to do along the way I think, is to love yourself.
Note: This post will be updated as more things come to mind. You may check back later if you feel so inclined.